If you have ever dealt with infertility then you are familiar with the question ‘why me’. After every negative pregnancy test, every loss, every failed treatment ‘why me?’ is the first question we ask. Why is it so hard for ME to get pregnant? Why is it so easy for everyone else? Why have I been chosen to walk this long and hurtful path?
As a child I was asked what super power I would choose if I could, now that I am grown up I think I would choose the ability to answer the elusive question ‘why me?’. There are a number of reasons why this is not possible, the first being the difficulty to name this super hero and the second being the consequences to knowing the answer before we should.
Over the last few years I have asked myself this same question over and over again, only to find myself at a loss. Is this a test for me? Am I to learn something from this? Is it true that whatever doesn’t kill us will only make us stronger?
In our support group I have heard us all try to answer these questions over and over again, I have even heard some answers. Maybe this journey will make us better parents, parents who really know how badly we wanted children and really feel lucky for have been given the opportunity (should it arise). Maybe our relationships need more work before a baby can be thrown in the mix, after all if your dealing with infertility for years and your still together, you have probably built some pretty amazing communication skills. I have even heard it said that “All the mothers in the bible who were once barren went on to have the best children” so who knows, maybe we will get better behaved children out of all this? Fingers crossed!
I do not know if any of the above is true, all I know for sure is what I have learned on my own path and my own struggles. I know that I have spent a better part of my ‘honeymoon’ period making myself and my husband miserable. I know that I have been just a shell of a person for 2 weeks out of the month and a sobbing mess the other two. But I also know that I have learned more about myself over the last 3 years then I have in my whole life.
I don’t know if self realization was the purpose of my journey but it was certainly a silver lining on my dark cloud. I could never really understand why I, a doula, a childbirth educator, a prenatal fitness instructor would have been handed this fate. I spend all day educating woman and their growing baby bumps, yet I could not even conceive. I mean isn’t that the very definition of ‘those who can’t do teach’? I felt like a walking failure.
Now I know that if it was not for this pain and loss I would have never realized the need to step back from my role as a doula and lay my tracks on another path. I would have never learned how to properly care for myself, to nurture myself and put myself first from time to time. I would have never created a fertility support group, a fertility yoga class or studied hypnosis for fertility. I would have never met the wonderful, amazing, talented women who have walked this path along side me. I would not be who I am today.
So do I look at this journey as a gift? I don’t know. Do I think the answer to ‘Why Me?’ is ‘because I’m the luckiest girl in the world’. I don’t know that either. All I can say is that we all have the ability to decide how we look down this path, how we view it and how we feel along the way. There will always be days when I will look at this journey as a punishment, but I hope there are more days that remind me how much I have gained along the way. I know that there will never be a super hero who swoops down and shows me why this path has been chosen for me, so instead I will choose to view this as a blessing, even If I am not so sure. And yes, I know this is easier said than done!
Natasha Marchand is the Co-Founder of bebo mia. After nearly 3 years of trying (and a perfect combination of assisted reproduction and complementary medicine) she is has a beautiful daughter, Sadie. Noticing the lack of support for woman/couples with IF problems she has created programs to help herself and others in similar situations.
If you are looking for more support on your fertility journey please take a look at available fertility practitioners in our directory.
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