So you have decided you want a doula. Good call. Now you have to actually pick one, which feels a little bit like a job interview except you are the one doing the hiring and also the one who will be half naked and making a lot of noise at some point in this relationship.
No pressure.
Most blogs about interviewing doulas give you the same list. How many births have you attended? Are you certified? Do you have a backup? Those questions are fine and you should absolutely ask them, but they do not actually tell you what you need to know. They tell you about a resume but they do not tell you about a person.
What you are really trying to figure out is whether this human will take care of you when you are at your most vulnerable. Whether they will stay calm when you are not. Whether they will speak up for you when you cannot find the words. Whether you will actually feel safe with them in the room.
When I was first starting out as a doula, I always got asked the same questions over and over and I found myself trying to steer the conversation into more interesting waters. Soooo, after supporting 100s of families through their reproductive journeys, here are the questions that get you to the meat of the conversation faster.
Tell me about a birth that did not go as planned. What did you do?
This one cuts straight to the heart of it. Every doula has been in a room where the plan fell apart, because birth does not always care about plans. What you want to hear is not a perfect story. You want to hear how they stayed present, how they supported their client through the pivot, and whether they can talk about hard moments with honesty and without drama.
If they cannot think of one, that is also information. Not saying don’t hire them fyi, trust your gut!
How do you handle it when I disagree with what my care provider is suggesting?
This question tells you everything about their advocacy style. Some doulas will help you ask better questions and hold your hand while you find your own voice. Others will go to bat for you more directly. Neither is wrong but you need to know which one you are getting, because in the moment you will not have the bandwidth to figure it out.
What do you do when my partner and I are not on the same page during labor?
Labor brings out a lot of things in people and sometimes the person you love most becomes the person who is accidentally making everything worse. A good doula has thought about this. They know how to support two or more people at once, how to redirect without making anyone feel dismissed, and how to keep the focus on you without throwing anyone under the bus.
Because at the end of the day, y’all need to be a tight team for the rest of that baby’s life!
What does support look like from you between now and my due date?
Some doulas are very hands-on in the prenatal period, checking in regularly, doing multiple visits, and being available by text. Others are more minimal until you are closer to your due date. There is no wrong answer but there may be a wrong answer for you specifically, so find out what their normal looks like before you assume.
Have you ever had a client who was difficult or who you did not connect with? What happened?
A doula who says every client has been wonderful is either very new or not being honest with you. This question is not about gossip and it is about self-awareness. You want someone who can reflect on a hard dynamic and show you they have thought about how to show up with future clients.
You want a doula that understands boundaries and holds them in their practice. It means they will take fierce care of you and will likely not experience burn out (yaaa, well doula for you!) unlike doulas that have porous or zero boundaries. It may seem great in the moment having a ‘yes’ to everything doula, but trust me, it won’t be great in the long run.
What do you do to take care of yourself?
This one might feel strange but it matters. Doulas who are burned out, overwhelmed, or running on empty cannot take care of you properly. A doula who has thought about their own sustainability, their backup systems, their limits, and their recovery is a doula who will actually be present when you need them. I cannot say enough about this!
How do you feel about epidurals? Inductions? Cesareans?
You want to hear that they support your choices, full stop. Not a lecture about any specific type of birth. Your doula’s personal birth philosophy should be invisible in the room. Yours is the only one that matters.
What happens if you cannot make it to my birth?
Ask this one even though it is uncomfortable, because you need to know the plan before you need the plan. Find out who their backup is, whether you will meet that person, and how handoffs work. A doula who has not thought this through is not ready to take you as a client.
And the question you should be asking yourself after every interview
Did I feel comfortable? Not impressed? Very validated?
Could you imagine crying in front of this person?
Could you imagine telling them you are scared?
Could you imagine them being in the room when things get hard and feeling better because they are there?
That feeling is everything. The credentials matter but the feeling is the whole thing.
If you are still looking for your person, you can find bebo mia trained doulas here.
Because you deserve someone in that room who will be your cheerleader, your protector, your advocate, and your birth expert.
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