what I wish people understood about pregnancy loss

Written by Meg Kant

what I wish more people understood about pregnancy loss

**Content warning** discussion of pregnancy loss 

My first pregnancy ended in a second-trimester miscarriage; I delivered my baby, Zennon at 4.5 months pregnant. After losing Zennon many people in my life tried to help make me feel better but fell short. Their hearts were in the right place, but they didn’t know what to say or do.

I get it, It can be uncomfortable to navigate loss because there is no getting around grief, no way to make it go away or lift. There is very little someone can DO when someone they love is grieving, and most people want to make it better.

when sentiments fall short

Oftentimes people provide encouraging, or positive sentiments in hopes to make someone feel better. But some of the “go-to” sentiments people say about loss are actually really hurtful.

I wish there had been a list or resource I could share with people I love, to help guide them on what to say (or not say) while I was going through my loss. So I’ve put together a short list of the top 3 things I wish people knew not to say after a loss, in hopes to help someone else.

1) Do not say “Everything happens for a reason” 

This is probably the most common saying people going through loss will hear. Loved ones are trying to provide comfort to the person grieving, but often it can feel loaded with blame. For someone experiencing a loss, trying to figure out a reason can be an endless rabbit hole of anxiety.

It can make the person feel like somehow the loss was their fault, and it is their job to figure out why it happened and what they did it cause it. Sometimes bad things happen, and that is an uncomfortable but honest truth.

2) Do not say “Enjoy your life without kids while you can” 

The person who experienced a loss is grieving what they dreamed their life would be like with a child. Reminding them how great it is to sleep late, or have freedom in their life is not what they want, they want a baby. They would give anything to wake up early to cuddle their children. 

*Please do not offer up your own children, uterus or sperm*

3) Do not say “At least you know you can get pregnant”

This is also a common sentiment people hear from folks in their life. Loved ones are trying to provide comfort in the assumption that someone can easily get pregnant again, and that time things will be okay. But for many people going through loss or infertility pregnancy is riddled with anxiety and fear. It is not as simple as just getting pregnant again.

This comment also doesn’t take into consideration recurrent losses. A person could have lost multiple pregnancies and not resulted in a live birth. Knowing you can get pregnant does not always mean you will have a baby.

Check out Regina from The Broken Brown Egg and I talking about this on her IG here. 

What can someone say/do? 

You might be reading this and wondering what you can do/say when someone is going through loss? 

One of the most comforting things for me was when people understood that they could not make it better. They couldn’t bring Zennon back, they couldn’t make my heart not hurt.

Rather than trying to make my pain go away, their support focused on comforting me with the grief. They would bear witness to my sadness and give me the space to be honest about how I was feeling.

There is so much power in making space for someone’s raw experience. That’s what I remember most. 

If providing support to folks going through loss or infertility is something you feel passionate about check out our Fertility Support Specialist program here.

Do you have a helpful phrase of action you do when you’re supporting someone through loss? Please share below, it may help others reading this ???? 

what I wish more people understood about pregnancy loss

Click here to sign up to have the Hot + Brave blog land in your inbox every week!

Xoxo,