The Dos and Don’ts of Supporting Loss Families: 10 Mistakes to Avoid

Content Note: Perinatal Loss

We never know when we may have to support a loss

Supporting a family through perinatal loss is one of the most profound, heart-wrenching, and delicate roles a doula can step into. It is also as unexpected for us providers as it is for our clients. It’s a space where there are no “right words” or quick solutions, only the opportunity to be present and offer intentional support. For many doulas, this work can feel daunting and the reality of how unprepared we are for these times is real. 

We can also be overwhelmed with the fear of saying the wrong thing or causing more pain. How do you show up in a way that truly honors the family’s grief without overstepping? How do you provide comfort when words feel hollow? In these high-emotions moments, even the most experienced doulas may find themselves unsure of what to say or do.

We wanted to make sure you feel ready to support loss!

For our personal experiences, the team here at bebo mia wanted to make sure you knew exactly what to do if your client calls or texts you that they cannot find a heartbeat, or worse, this moment happens during labor. So, we reached out to our dear friend, Vallen Webb, founder of Evelyn James + Co. who is a bereavement expert who is not only an incredible doula but also someone who has faced loss firsthand. Five years ago, she experienced a stillbirth during her husband’s deployment, bringing her daughter Evelyn into the world while entirely on her own. That experience, and the way it shaped her understanding of loss work, is the foundation of her work today.

Vallen and I poured our hearts and years of experience into creating the 911 Loss Kit for Doulas, a resource we believe every doula should have in their toolkit. This kit was crafted to give doulas practical, compassionate tools to approach perinatal loss work with confidence, empathy, and the ability to keep themselves healthy and well in the process. Our mission is to make sure no doula feels unprepared or overwhelmed when supporting families through their darkest times.

We wanted to start your learning with the top ten mistakes doulas make when supporting loss families… and what to do instead. With each mistake, we show you the right thing to do in a society that has little idea what to do when death is involved. Most people aim to distract and feel obligated to make people happier or ‘better’ rather than just hold the space and let them grieve. We will present you with some great solutions that will help you show up in ways that feel genuine, respectful, and healing. 

Let’s dive in so you can feel more prepared to walk alongside families with care, confidence, and compassion.

1. Avoiding the Topic or Baby’s Name

One common mistake folks make is avoiding the topic of the baby altogether. In the effort not to upset grieving parents, it’s tempting to skip over acknowledging the baby’s name or existence. This silence can leave families feeling like their child is being erased or forgotten, adding to their grief. Avoiding the baby’s name may seem like a way to reduce pain, but it often has the opposite effect, as parents yearn for their baby to be recognized.

Solution: Acknowledge the baby by name, validate the parents’ grief, and let them know you remember their baby. For example, say, “I’m thinking of [baby’s name] today and holding your family in my heart.”

2. Minimizing or Invalidating the Loss with Hurtful Language

Statements like “You can always try again” or “At least it happened early” are often said with good intentions but can feel dismissive to families experiencing perinatal loss. These phrases, while meant to comfort, can make parents feel as if their loss isn’t significant or shouldn’t be so deeply felt. Grief isn’t dependent on how long or short the time together was, and any suggestion that the loss “wasn’t that bad” can be deeply hurtful.

Solution: Validate the enormity of the loss. Say, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your loss is profound, and I’m here for you.”

3. Using Religious or Philosophical Platitudes

Trying to offer comfort with phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “They’re in a better place” may feel soothing to some, but it can unintentionally impose beliefs on families. For those who do not share the same views, these platitudes may feel hollow or even upsetting, and it may seem as though the loss is being minimized by attributing it to a larger “purpose.”

Solution: Avoid imposing beliefs. Instead, say, “I don’t have the right words, but I’m here to sit with you in this.”

4. Offering Unsolicited Advice

When doulas try to ease a family’s pain by giving advice, it can come across as judgmental or dismissive. It’s easy to want to “fix” things, but loss families often need a safe space to process their feelings rather than unsolicited suggestions. By jumping into “advice mode,” doulas risk shifting the focus away from the family’s grief and onto problem-solving, which isn’t always helpful.

Solution: Be a listener, not a fixer. Instead of advice, say, “I’m here to listen if you’d like to share what you’re feeling.”

5. Overstepping Boundaries

Overstepping boundaries can look like visiting unannounced, sending multiple messages, or pushing to help in ways that may not be welcome. Families experiencing loss often need space to process their grief, and intrusions, however well-intentioned, can feel overwhelming. A sensitive approach respects the family’s need for privacy and allows them to decide how and when they want support.

Solution: Respect their space. Ask, “Would it be okay if I stopped by, or is there another way I can support you right now?”

6. Assuming All Parents Grieve the Same Way

Another common mistake is assuming that all parents grieve the same way or that both partners will express their grief similarly. Every person processes loss uniquely, and trying to align their experiences to one “grief style” can feel dismissive. One parent may be outwardly emotional, while the other is quieter; both responses are valid and should be supported without comparison.

Solution: Recognize that grief is unique. Say, “Everyone’s grief looks different. Please let me know how I can best support you in this.”

7. Focusing Only on the Mother/Birthing Person

In the aftermath of a loss, doulas may unintentionally focus solely on the person who gave birth, overlooking the grief of partners or other family members. Partners may feel compelled to “stay strong” or that their grief is less significant. However, every family member’s grief is important, and failing to acknowledge this can make them feel isolated in their experience.

Solution: Include everyone in your support. Ask the partner, “How are you holding up? What can I do for you?”

8. Making It About Yourself

While it’s natural to want to relate to someone’s experience by sharing your own, making it about yourself can inadvertently shift the focus away from the family’s grief. Sharing your own loss stories may feel like empathy, but it can overshadow the parents’ experience, making it seem as if they should comfort you.

Solution: Keep the focus on their experience. Say, “This is your time to grieve. I’m here to listen and support you.”

9. Failing to Offer Specific Help

General offers like “Let me know if you need anything” often put the burden on the grieving family to ask for help, which can feel overwhelming. Loss families may not even know what they need, and the stress of figuring out how to respond to vague offers of help can add to their emotional load.

Solution: Offer concrete support. Say, “I can drop off meals or run errands for you this week. Which would be more helpful?”

10. Forgetting the Loss Over Time

While grief may subside over time, it doesn’t vanish, and families often feel like their child is forgotten after the initial wave of support. Not checking in after anniversaries, holidays, or other milestones can make families feel isolated in their grief, as though others have moved on while they are still processing.

Solution: Continue to acknowledge their loss, especially on anniversaries and milestones. Send a card or message saying, “I’m thinking of you and [baby’s name] today.”

**Bonus Tip: Don’t Neglect Your Own Needs**

Supporting families through perinatal loss is deeply emotional work that can take a toll on doulas. Often, we minimize our own feelings, not wanting to “take away” from the family’s grief. However, taking time to process your own emotions and care for yourself is vital—it enables you to stay compassionate and grounded as you support others.

Supporting loss families is one of the most challenging parts of being a doula. We hope that your clients never lose their babies and that you do not have to unexpectedly support a perinatal death. And, sadly, it is a part of doula care. This is why we want you to ensure you have the 911 Loss Kit for Doulas. This provides guidance, resources, and tools so you can confidently walk alongside families in these vulnerable moments. This essential kit is designed to empower doulas with compassionate, practical support.

Click here to learn more and get the kit, because every doula deserves to feel prepared and supported in loss work.